i feel disappointed.. and i feel like crying.. but i know this is the way.. plus, being a musician doesn't really help much either, as we are attracted to the emotional, heart-wrenching pains in life....is that not where the best songs come from? out of the depths of one's agony and suffering?

i feel like cursing this...who i am.. but it was He who knit me in my mother's womb and He who created me... for a reason. to get to there, i need to be able to recognize and deal with those things that come along with the territory of my identity..

Lord, give me strength!

i cannot even explain why i feel this way... maybe i'm just finished with this. tired of going through the same issue/struggle over and over again like a never ending cycle, and i just can't get out of it. i feel like i'll never be rid of it until i breathe my last. seriously.

so once again, all i can do is admit that i have no idea what i'm doing and laying it at His feet. this continuous push/pull is only on our end, we are always the screw ups and He is always waiting for us, no matter how undeserving we think we are.

Isaiah 55:1-3

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live."

all i need to do is stick to my guns.

i've known in my head what was right for a long time; i just didn't want to do it. but i think i've come to a point now where that struggle is gone, and i can say that this is what i want, and how i want it to be.

the original reasons behind my going to BC still stand; it's where He wants me, and that is all i know.

tired..

of trying, of wasting my time by putting my effort into something that is not meant to be.

i feel like i'm trying to drag a cow up a mountain, and it's just not working. i thought there was something, but perhaps it could only exist within those circumstances.

the graduating post

So after the 4 years I've spent at Wilfrid Laurier University, I've learned...

-how to pack EVERYTHING into the car, even when there seems to be no more space
-homecooked food tastes so much better than anything you can eat at a restaurant!
-distraction is the cure to homesickness
-change isn't necessarily bad, and can even be good!
-letting go isn't necessarily giving up
-rainy days are perfect for listening to jazz :)
-jazz is best when heard live
-how to combine various leftover foods and create a meal
-morning showers can help wake you up
-5am doesn't feel so late when you're with friends :)
-coffee gives me a stomachache even if i eat something with it
-a vanilla bean latte from second cup will do the trick when i'm tired ;)
-every time you return home, things change ever so slightly
-waterloo is AWESOME during the weekends when you're hanging out with friends
-itis naps are sooo good
-sunday afternoon naps are even better
-i'm more motivated to study when others around me are doing the same
-i like being with people more than being by myself
-jamming with friends can give you the chills
-videos can never fully capture a moment
-sometimes you gotta pay the price of pain for beauty (re: pointy-toed heels)
-how to play basic guitar!(muchos gracias jlau)
-when you're done, you don't feel done
-textbooks can actually be useful, post-grad
-time is so short, and goes by in the blink of an eye
-how to be open with bodily functions
-staying up makes you do crazy weird things you'd never think about doing during the daytime
-how to accept my alter-ego,Batman
-how to play dress-up
-closeness between friends can change drastically within the course of a year
-what Acts 2 community is all about
-chick flicks are not so good for the emotional health and thoughts
-how to be more on time
-integrity and keeping your word is really important in trusting someone
-music therapy was not what i had originally thought it to be
-how to become a leader in various aspects of my life
-drinking is overrated; i don't see how it can taste good to people
-steak and mashed potatoes, and ice cream are the perfect comfort foods
-sobey's is the answer to all late-night cravings
-prayer shouldn't be the 'last resort' after you've exhausted all other possible solutions
-how God can carry me through times of fear
-fear can be disabling
-the importance of serving
-it's okay to talk to strangers
-the thought (and/or effort) truly means more and communicates more loudly than anything else
-you really make friends for life in university
-neocitran and sleep can prevent colds!!
-it's the small things that count, and the simplest things can hold the most meaning
-academic excellence can be a strong testimony to others around you
-playing music can express what i cannot put into words
-taking walks and fresh air can calm you when you feel lost inside
-the potential dangers of having a credit card
-what unconditional love can look like
-how to love LCCF as my 2nd family
-how to miss and cherish my parents
-how to be more spontaneous
-parents have a huge impact on how their kids will turn out, and makes me worried about being a parent someday
-the easy way out isn't always the best way to go
-sometimes God will be silent
-the unexpected can be better than the expected..
-to be bolder and step out of my comfort zone

i am not the same person i was when i first set foot in Waterloo 4 years ago, and all the credit goes to my Lord, who carried me through academic struggles and homesickness, and provided me with the most supportive family i have ever known--LCCF. He has blessed me immensely through these brothers and sisters, and if not for their love and patience, i would not be standing where i am now. so thank you, thank you, thank you. you guys will be in my thoughts and prayers always<3

ending process what!?

my prof started off today’s class by asking where we’d like to be instead at that moment, and I was just thinking that I’d much rather be outside, going for a walk in waterloo park, trying to make sense of things, trying to regain peacefulness in my heart…

I couldn’t sleep very well last night after I discovered at midnight, that I had chosen the wrong article to do for an assignment that was due today, and I just had a lot on my mind in general…

I was gona redo my assignment (after realizing that I would not be able to say to God that I had done my best) but the site for the offcampus login to access lib journal articles wasn’t working, so I emailed my prof about it and went to bed around 2:30. I think it took me at least 2 hours to fall asleep; I was tossing and turning so much, and then I was awakened by the crazy thunderstorm early this morning… but despite my lack of restfulness, I wasn’t very tired today, as I usually am on Mondays.

when my prof posed that question to the class today, some ppl said home (a plane ride away), and some ppl said somewhere hot…and then my prof closed the discussion by saying that it’s part of closure … what??? hahha

but for some odd reason, at that moment, for the first time, it really hit me. that I’m really nearing the end. I felt like crying in class. haha. my very last group session is tomorrow; this is the last full week of my university career. everything’s ending, finishing up, wrapping up. where did this term go??

4 years of university are coming to a close…. what the heck does that mean for me?!

the weather’s starting to warm up…the warm breeze feels so good… it brings a sense of comfort somehow… that this is the one thing I know will be, and nothing can be done to thwart the arrival of spring. that this is one thing I can count on-the season changing.

so many things are uncertain right now… summer job? summer plans? family vacation? the biggest thing is that I am still awaiting a response from the internship in BC. the only one I applied for. so I’m getting a little anxious, even though it’s been going smoothly so far.

I duno just feeling a little lost and overwhelmed right now… when I get anxious/nervous, I get knots in my stomach; everything just twists… and I need to go #2 (yes that was absolutely necessary). as the end is nearing, there’s nothing I can do to stop it or slow it down. just gotta keep moving.

I’m going to miss seagram so much—you guys have been my comfort zone, and literally my ‘home’ this year (I’ll leave my hello kitty slippers w/you to take to ur place next yr!), esp this term... you guys have been SO much more than the cure for my boredom (read: not wanting to do work) and my stomach. ahhaha the never-ending, forever here apple pie… thanks for just being the friends I can always count on. I will never forget all the times we spent doing the most mundane (ie. studying) to the most spontaneous (another trip to heartland, anyone?) things together. ILU char, euni10, jerk, princess -<3, mother

and it has been SO good getting to know my fellow music therapy students a lot better this term. we had brunch together last weekend! it was awesome :D they’re a fun bunch. some a bit more ‘keen’ but it’s all good :) I’m so glad we’ve gotten so much closer…it makes sucha huge difference, going thru this intense program…having the support of your classmates… I mean, we get to talk about our learning processes and our feelings towards internships n stuff in class… where else would you find that!?

So the end is drawing closer… 4 years of university almost done…what have I learned, what have I accomplished, what impact have I made, what am I going to do with the few weeks I have left here?

a new chapter will begin soon…

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

why do i keep doing this to myself?why do i continue to trust and expect things from someone who has clearly shown that they cannot keep their word? why am i so stupid, so gullible, so willing to give them another chance to prove me wrong, so easily persuaded to give them the benefit of the doubt?

UGHHHHHHHHH.

can anyone tell me why i keep putting myself in these situations?!shouldn't i have already learned from the past?why do i keep on making the same mistake of trusting you again?i wish you could prove me wrong. maybe that's why i keep doing this, because each time, i hope that things will be different, and you'll pull through for once.

i saw that you were making an effort, and i really appreciated that, so i thought that maybe you realized not to take this friendship for granted. but maybe i trusted too early, and wrongly.

i hoped that you would be different this time..and that is my own fault for thinking that. because ppl don't change.. and this is who you are. take it or leave it right? it's not gona work if i keep hoping that things will be different next time. just gotta accept it and not expect anything.