sometimes i just really want to give up.

ok fine. many times.


i want to give up on everything. i don't know. sometimes it just sweeps over me like the waves crash onto the shore. without much warning it comes . and i am forced to look at it face to face. it is only then that i realize how deep the disappointments, the wounds go. would you think of me the same if you saw what was inside? a broken mess of emotions which i cannot even begin to describe.. what if you really knew?
i just feel so defeated. worthless. useless. replaceable.

"You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill...He longs for you...
You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true of you.
God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days and decisions, your desires and disappointments. He wants intimacy with you in the midst of the madness and mundane, the meetings and memos, the laundry and lists, the carpools and conversations and projects and pain. He wants to pour his love into your heart and he longs to have you pour yours into his. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the truest you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman you think you are supposed to be. He wants intimacy with the real you.
You see, beauty indwells every woman...Like a shy doe, it reveals itself for a moment, then fades back into cover. Usually it comes when she doesn't know it, when she isn't trying to make it come. Rather, something is happening that allows her defenses to come down for a moment. For instance, when someone is listening. She knows that she matters. Someone cares about her heart, wants to know her. Her beauty emerges as if from behind a veil.
So the choice a woman makes is not to conjure beauty, but to let her defenses down. To choose to set aside her normal means of survival and just let her heart show up...True beauty comes from... a heart at rest.
A woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that he finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in him, she is enough." [from Captivating by: John & Stasi Eldredge]

let that be my prayer...
there are no words to describe the way i feel right now.. Lord Jesus come into this heart.. the space is closed up tightly but please..open it up again.