wander into my thoughts..

2007-06-16T01:16:00.000-04:00

i feel disappointed.. and i feel like crying.. but i know this is the way.. plus, being a musician doesn't really help much either, as we are attracted to the emotional, heart-wrenching pains in life....is that not where the best songs come from? out of the depths of one's agony and suffering?

i feel like cursing this...who i am.. but it was He who knit me in my mother's womb and He who created me... for a reason. to get to there, i need to be able to recognize and deal with those things that come along with the territory of my identity..

Lord, give me strength!

i cannot even explain why i feel this way... maybe i'm just finished with this. tired of going through the same issue/struggle over and over again like a never ending cycle, and i just can't get out of it. i feel like i'll never be rid of it until i breathe my last. seriously.

so once again, all i can do is admit that i have no idea what i'm doing and laying it at His feet. this continuous push/pull is only on our end, we are always the screw ups and He is always waiting for us, no matter how undeserving we think we are.

2007-05-21T23:33:00.000-04:00

Isaiah 55:1-3

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live."

2007-05-16T22:54:00.000-04:00

all i need to do is stick to my guns.

i've known in my head what was right for a long time; i just didn't want to do it. but i think i've come to a point now where that struggle is gone, and i can say that this is what i want, and how i want it to be.

the original reasons behind my going to BC still stand; it's where He wants me, and that is all i know.

2007-05-06T00:26:00.000-04:00

tired..

of trying, of wasting my time by putting my effort into something that is not meant to be.

i feel like i'm trying to drag a cow up a mountain, and it's just not working. i thought there was something, but perhaps it could only exist within those circumstances.

2007-04-26T01:02:00.000-04:00

the graduating post

So after the 4 years I've spent at Wilfrid Laurier University, I've learned...

-how to pack EVERYTHING into the car, even when there seems to be no more space
-homecooked food tastes so much better than anything you can eat at a restaurant!
-distraction is the cure to homesickness
-change isn't necessarily bad, and can even be good!
-letting go isn't necessarily giving up
-rainy days are perfect for listening to jazz :)
-jazz is best when heard live
-how to combine various leftover foods and create a meal
-morning showers can help wake you up
-5am doesn't feel so late when you're with friends :)
-coffee gives me a stomachache even if i eat something with it
-a vanilla bean latte from second cup will do the trick when i'm tired ;)
-every time you return home, things change ever so slightly
-waterloo is AWESOME during the weekends when you're hanging out with friends
-itis naps are sooo good
-sunday afternoon naps are even better
-i'm more motivated to study when others around me are doing the same
-i like being with people more than being by myself
-jamming with friends can give you the chills
-videos can never fully capture a moment
-sometimes you gotta pay the price of pain for beauty (re: pointy-toed heels)
-how to play basic guitar!(muchos gracias jlau)
-when you're done, you don't feel done
-textbooks can actually be useful, post-grad
-time is so short, and goes by in the blink of an eye
-how to be open with bodily functions
-staying up makes you do crazy weird things you'd never think about doing during the daytime
-how to accept my alter-ego,Batman
-how to play dress-up
-closeness between friends can change drastically within the course of a year
-what Acts 2 community is all about
-chick flicks are not so good for the emotional health and thoughts
-how to be more on time
-integrity and keeping your word is really important in trusting someone
-music therapy was not what i had originally thought it to be
-how to become a leader in various aspects of my life
-drinking is overrated; i don't see how it can taste good to people
-steak and mashed potatoes, and ice cream are the perfect comfort foods
-sobey's is the answer to all late-night cravings
-prayer shouldn't be the 'last resort' after you've exhausted all other possible solutions
-how God can carry me through times of fear
-fear can be disabling
-the importance of serving
-it's okay to talk to strangers
-the thought (and/or effort) truly means more and communicates more loudly than anything else
-you really make friends for life in university
-neocitran and sleep can prevent colds!!
-it's the small things that count, and the simplest things can hold the most meaning
-academic excellence can be a strong testimony to others around you
-playing music can express what i cannot put into words
-taking walks and fresh air can calm you when you feel lost inside
-the potential dangers of having a credit card
-what unconditional love can look like
-how to love LCCF as my 2nd family
-how to miss and cherish my parents
-how to be more spontaneous
-parents have a huge impact on how their kids will turn out, and makes me worried about being a parent someday
-the easy way out isn't always the best way to go
-sometimes God will be silent
-the unexpected can be better than the expected..
-to be bolder and step out of my comfort zone

i am not the same person i was when i first set foot in Waterloo 4 years ago, and all the credit goes to my Lord, who carried me through academic struggles and homesickness, and provided me with the most supportive family i have ever known--LCCF. He has blessed me immensely through these brothers and sisters, and if not for their love and patience, i would not be standing where i am now. so thank you, thank you, thank you. you guys will be in my thoughts and prayers always<3

2007-03-26T21:12:00.000-04:00

ending process what!?

my prof started off today’s class by asking where we’d like to be instead at that moment, and I was just thinking that I’d much rather be outside, going for a walk in waterloo park, trying to make sense of things, trying to regain peacefulness in my heart…

I couldn’t sleep very well last night after I discovered at midnight, that I had chosen the wrong article to do for an assignment that was due today, and I just had a lot on my mind in general…

I was gona redo my assignment (after realizing that I would not be able to say to God that I had done my best) but the site for the offcampus login to access lib journal articles wasn’t working, so I emailed my prof about it and went to bed around 2:30. I think it took me at least 2 hours to fall asleep; I was tossing and turning so much, and then I was awakened by the crazy thunderstorm early this morning… but despite my lack of restfulness, I wasn’t very tired today, as I usually am on Mondays.

when my prof posed that question to the class today, some ppl said home (a plane ride away), and some ppl said somewhere hot…and then my prof closed the discussion by saying that it’s part of closure … what??? hahha

but for some odd reason, at that moment, for the first time, it really hit me. that I’m really nearing the end. I felt like crying in class. haha. my very last group session is tomorrow; this is the last full week of my university career. everything’s ending, finishing up, wrapping up. where did this term go??

4 years of university are coming to a close…. what the heck does that mean for me?!

the weather’s starting to warm up…the warm breeze feels so good… it brings a sense of comfort somehow… that this is the one thing I know will be, and nothing can be done to thwart the arrival of spring. that this is one thing I can count on-the season changing.

so many things are uncertain right now… summer job? summer plans? family vacation? the biggest thing is that I am still awaiting a response from the internship in BC. the only one I applied for. so I’m getting a little anxious, even though it’s been going smoothly so far.

I duno just feeling a little lost and overwhelmed right now… when I get anxious/nervous, I get knots in my stomach; everything just twists… and I need to go #2 (yes that was absolutely necessary). as the end is nearing, there’s nothing I can do to stop it or slow it down. just gotta keep moving.

I’m going to miss seagram so much—you guys have been my comfort zone, and literally my ‘home’ this year (I’ll leave my hello kitty slippers w/you to take to ur place next yr!), esp this term... you guys have been SO much more than the cure for my boredom (read: not wanting to do work) and my stomach. ahhaha the never-ending, forever here apple pie… thanks for just being the friends I can always count on. I will never forget all the times we spent doing the most mundane (ie. studying) to the most spontaneous (another trip to heartland, anyone?) things together. ILU char, euni10, jerk, princess -<3, mother

and it has been SO good getting to know my fellow music therapy students a lot better this term. we had brunch together last weekend! it was awesome :D they’re a fun bunch. some a bit more ‘keen’ but it’s all good :) I’m so glad we’ve gotten so much closer…it makes sucha huge difference, going thru this intense program…having the support of your classmates… I mean, we get to talk about our learning processes and our feelings towards internships n stuff in class… where else would you find that!?

So the end is drawing closer… 4 years of university almost done…what have I learned, what have I accomplished, what impact have I made, what am I going to do with the few weeks I have left here?

a new chapter will begin soon…

2006-12-07T02:41:00.000-05:00

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

why do i keep doing this to myself?why do i continue to trust and expect things from someone who has clearly shown that they cannot keep their word? why am i so stupid, so gullible, so willing to give them another chance to prove me wrong, so easily persuaded to give them the benefit of the doubt?

UGHHHHHHHHH.

can anyone tell me why i keep putting myself in these situations?!shouldn't i have already learned from the past?why do i keep on making the same mistake of trusting you again?i wish you could prove me wrong. maybe that's why i keep doing this, because each time, i hope that things will be different, and you'll pull through for once.

i saw that you were making an effort, and i really appreciated that, so i thought that maybe you realized not to take this friendship for granted. but maybe i trusted too early, and wrongly.

i hoped that you would be different this time..and that is my own fault for thinking that. because ppl don't change.. and this is who you are. take it or leave it right? it's not gona work if i keep hoping that things will be different next time. just gotta accept it and not expect anything.

2006-10-19T11:25:00.000-04:00

10/19: KK's bday :)

2006-07-09T00:25:00.000-04:00

i wish i could say that i'm an optimist
i wish i could say that i'm not scared
i wish i could be slow to anger
i wish i could be an initiator
i wish i was stronger
i wish i knew how to deal
i wish i knew how to make things right
i wish i knew what was going on
i wish i could walk the talk
i wish i wasn't so lost

2006-05-29T02:41:00.000-04:00

letting go is...

-giving up control over something you cannot change
-not knowing the answers to all the questions you have
-giving up your rights
-allowing yourself to be changed
-doing the opposite of what your heart desires
-freedom from the chains of sin
-trusting God

2006-05-05T02:21:00.000-04:00

It's That Time (of year) Again...
to reflect on the past (8 months of the school) year.

Self-discovery:
I think I've learned more this year than in the last two years combined. God has revealed many of my 'fundamental characteristics' and brought me to a greater self-awareness. One of the most major ones being a lack of confidence, and fear, which is related.

God really pushed me out of my comfort zone this year, as compared to last year, when I absolutely insisted on staying inside it. From having night class on LCCF nights, to trying out new things (Oasis, snowboarding, CFC volunteering, etc.), to chairing winter retreat... I've learned how to step out more into unfamiliar environments and not be completely uncomfortable meeting new ppl.

My first music therapy placement taught me about myself and reinforced the things I have to work on-- not only as a therapist, but as a person also. ie. being more confident, taking the initiative, and speaking up. There is still much to be learned, but growing is a gradual process.

LCCF:
God has done and blessed me w/so much this year.. most especially with LCCF. Acts 2 was taken to heart and lived out by the end of this year. Without their continuous support, encouragement, and love, I would not have gotten to where I am now, and been able to do as much. Thanks for loving me just as I am. Lau ma, you truly spurred me on ("be more assertive"), looked out for me, told it like it is, and brought out sides of me that were never meant to be seen outside of my house. Thanks for guiding me thru literally every little step. Thanks for being there. I don't think you'll ever realize the extent of how much you impacted my life in the last 8 months. Future housemate, thanks for being the example I can look up to when it comes to facing unfamiliarity and pushing me to put my faith into action.

This year, unexpected complications arose, but expectations were exceeded in other situations. God proved to be good, regardless of the situation. 1st term was difficult; struggling to understand why He had taken me out of LCCF even though I was serving on committee this year. Dynamics of the fellowship had changed from the previous year as well, and it felt as if everyone was separated from each other, doing their own things and whatnot. There was a definite lack of community, but nobody spoke of it…until 2nd term came around.

Since we looked at individuals (ie. David, Job, etc.) last term, Sharon (Man) and I decided to focus this term’s bible studies on how communities experienced God. We were finally able to talk about the “elephant in the room” at the first pre-study of the term, where we shared openly and honestly about the fellowship and realized we were on the same page all along, but nobody had spoken up about it. The committee and leaders set the tone/example for the fellowship, so we agreed that community should start with us; since ‘community’ wasn’t happening naturally, we would have to be much more intentional about it. We decided to put our words into action and went out for bbt afterwards. We didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back it was the pivotal moment when “kommunity” all started. It slowly built up to winter retreat, when God showed us how far we had come from 1st term, and unified us through worship, His Word, sharing, praying, and singing songs at the top of our lungs until 4am.

And from then on…it was “in the name of community…”! (I think we used that phrase to death)…the last 2 weeks of school were absolutely crazy because we hung out almost every day—for the grads!

Exam time rolled around and we studied together every day, from morning to the wee hours of the night. We also had a “Feed the Frosh” program, where the upper years signed up for different days to cook dinner for some frosh…which turned into feeding whoever’s studying @the SBE. People would cook and then bring the dinner over to school in containers along with utensils from the dining hall haha. By the end, or the very last one, we laid out the food on the table in dishes and pots, along with bowls/plates and actual forks to eat with. It was quite the sight to see. It was also the most randomest dinner as we were trying to finish up all our food before going home, so we had cheeeeeeeeeeesey scrambled eggs, curry, corn, perogies, zucchini with chicken or pork, sausage rolls, fish sticks, mini pizzas, rice.

Living life together, sharing joys and disappointments, helping to fill a need, giving time and resources freely—that’s what community’s all about. And that is how I came to love Waterloo—for the people who are there and the growth that has been experienced in that place.

SCAC:
How I wish I could’ve been there at retreat w/you guys, getting to know our new pastor better and bonding with each other…to grow and to learn with you guys. It was a struggle for me, wanting to be with you guys but wanting to be w/the ccfer’s as well…until I accepted the fact that my calling was in Waterloo and not in Toronto. It was an internal battle between my desires and His will. Now that I’m home for the summer, I want to make the most of my time here; get to know the people better and serve as well. For too long it has been about what I can get out of this… it should be what can I bring to the table? I hope someone can keep me accountable to this…cuz I kno I have the tendency to shy away… but nevertheless, you guys will always be my home, my family.

So much has changed, but some things stay the same. I think this is one of the first times that I can truly say: “change is good”.

2006-04-09T19:35:00.000-04:00

A Week's Summary (in photos)
this is what happens when you bring your camera everywhere with you.

Monday: Open Mic @Wilf's-James Wang, the star guitarist geez. this guy is absolutely nuts.human jukebox-just name the song and he can play it for ya.

some exploring @the school afterwards.. we found a safe in the secret passageway to the library...

[Sharon and Amy]

Tuesday: Grad Night
I was so nervous about the whole night I had a major stomache before the program started...I dunno, just thinking about the fact that they won't be here next year..couldn't handle it. Yes yes I know, it's not gonna be bad or good when they're gone next year, but it'll be different (to say the least!!). Who am I supposed to run to for help next year? >.<

the grads

Wednesday: "studyage" begins @SBE-that's where the party's @this year during exam time; not the library. haha. it was a very red day... everyone wore red w/o planning it! hehe.

[me, Sharon aka Spammie, Sharon Man, Hannah]

later that night, after some BK...Hannah and I made some cake for the birthday boy-we were resourceful (or resource-less rather) and used melted sugar to make oats stick to the cake..tasted kinda gross actually but we were rushing.. and then we put crispix all over the other cake. heheh! love this kid to bits. he came into university @17 years old, but a lot more mature than you'd expect.

Thursday: worked on stuff for my placement...did some studying, played pool for an hr @night...

Friday: studied, then watched Inside Man @night.. So we were heading to the theater...I was driving along.. and then the car in front of me just stops way before the light.. I was like what the crap?!and then the guy got out of his car, came over, pulled out his badge.. ahha.. he was a constable.. and then hes like you cant drive around like this w/o any headlights. I had turned them on, but both of them weren't working! I was like oohh I didnt even know... I was SOOO scared when he came over cuz I thought I didnt have my wallet w/me... lol thankfully he didn't give me a ticket; just told me to go home. soooooooooo freaky. good thing my friends were in the car w/me. or else I woulda been even MORe scared.. he didnt give me a ticket tho-phew! first time I got pulled over... >.<

Saturday: had a lesson @10:30am, then did laundry @Hannah's, then went to get my headlights fixed. brought my friend Ivan with me cuz he changed the headlights on his accord before... but turned out to be kinda different, so we were trying to figure it out and then this old bak bak came over n asked if we needed any help lol.. oh man I was so scared he'd like mess up my car or osmething ...his hands were so shaky n stuff too!! hahaha.. but he fixed it all up for me! it took like at least half an hr...sooo nice... afterwards the old couple started talking to us about their son and how he's got his Masters and PhD and now he's a prof @a university in Indiana..jokes. so cute tho. Ivan was hero-so willing to help (even tho I only started getting to know him better this term); I wouldn't have known/understood what to do at all haha.

[Hero of the Day and me]

this week has been so crazy. "studying", eating, talking, joking, etc. EVERYday, ALL day.. w/the same ppl. literally living life together... just like a family. all the days have melded into one cuz we do the same things @the same place everyday, w/the same ppl (plus/minus a few). hahaha it's been so much fun...so much love!HAHAHA. but so bad for the studying!Even tho I guess I have started studying earlier, since my first exam's on the 20th..but still a long way to go to being ready...

and last but not least, i now officially have a goh. teehehehe!

His name is Nevin and he's a lo beng (ppl think he's 30 when they first meet him). He looks really scary/cold/grumpy/intimidating/angry when he's not talking or joking around. And he seems to have no feelings towards others (sometimes). buuuut....
-he looks out for me
-he speaks chinese to me like my parents @home
-he smiles when we take pix together (he says he doesn’t smile for just anyone)
-he imitates my mannerisms along w/Hannah
-he helps me pay for my food when I don't have money on me (yes Alex, I kno u do that too.. and you give me fries also hehe)
-he finishes my food for me when I'm full (…and this!)
-he tells me all guys are jerks, including himself
-he thinks a certain jerk isn’t good enough for me and I should kick his bum
-he tells me to be more assertive
-he encourages/pushes me when I don't think I can do something
-he tells me not to worry when I’m worried
-he says I’m like the little sister he never had :)

2006-03-14T23:52:00.000-05:00

1)Who tagged you?
my lo beng dai goh nevin

2)In what situation did you meet this person?
LCCF, tho i don't rmb much of him in 1st year.. we were co-cell leaders in my 2nd yr tho ahha.

3)How long have you known this person for?
2 yrs

4)What is so special about this person?
He's old, but reliable. And he looks out for me.

5)In your heart, what do you think about this person?
a rare gentleman keeping the chivalry alive hahahah. very opinionated. wise...in some ways :P reserved. hilarious..but then again, i think most ppl are funny...

6)At this moment, is there anyone you want to meet? Who?
the woman with the incredible memory.. see if it'll rub off onto me cuz i'm so forgetful >.<

7)Favourite memory?
none, i don't want to remind myself of nething that has to do with nevin.

..joking. Really,it's whenever i make his jaw drop to the ground. HAHAHA. cuz it means i'm dishing out the sass.

8)Tag 8 more people:
Nevin,Lau Ma,Kasey,Justin CHiu,go-T,Martin,Sharon Man,Aculeus

2006-03-12T17:52:00.000-05:00

for the first time ever i cannot wait to leave toronto and return to waterloo.

2006-03-10T12:54:00.000-05:00

thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
but something happens
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
now you're out there swimming
in the deep.
in the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... let go
till you shed your pride and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off.
now you're out there spinning
in the deep.

and now you're out there spinning
and now you're out there swimming
in the deep.

in the silence
all your secrets will
raise their weary heads
well, you can't pin yourself
back together with who
you thought you were

now you're out there swimming
in the deep.

(if you want to be given everything, give everything up.)

****************************************************

drove home tonight in the rain and fog. quite the experience..windshield wipers on max and vision was still blurred from the rain, trucks splashing water everywhere, and the all encompassing fog. felt like i was driving on/thru clouds. literally. esp when there weren't any lights on the highway and it was just cars in front of me.. it was like going thru an abyss or something... ahah couldn't see anything but the red lights on the back of cars.. driven in worse conditions before.. still kinda scary..but cool at the same time. haha.

studied til 3am last night then got up @9 to study some more.. midterm went alright........ really not sure how i did tho.. ah well.
so i realize that it's been almost a month since LCCF's winter retreat, but better late than never right?? hahaa.. my reflections:

quick recap:
-mad rush to get equipment, passengers..took nearly an hr O_o
-kary drives mad fast
-deep dish pizza + fried rice for snacks
-heater on full blast = very dry skin
-chubby bunny
-awesome speaker- Adrian Kao
-2 hrs of outdoor games: human foosball and a stagnant capture the flag
-group sharing: totally amazing.
-running out of warm fuzzy paper! O_o definitely did not forsee that
-staying up til 4am singing BSB, 90s pop songs, Disney songs as a group w/a human jukebox accompanying on the guitar
-mudpie eating contest… which naturally led to getting pied in the face by others

fun times for suure. It was definitely a new experience, being ‘in charge’ of something like that. It’s definitely harder than it looks. But it was definitely a blessed weekend; God was in our midst. All throughout the weekend we saw how He’d been working looooong before we even started planning for retreat. It was totally crazy. First night, speaker told us that since he arrived, he could feel the strong sense of community. Blew me away. Because community was what we’ve been working towards this whole term @LCCF. Last term, it felt disconnected; ppl weren’t chilling much outside of LCCF like we used to..etc, so that’s why we decided to focus more on the community aspect of fellowship this term. So to hear that coming from the speaker, a total stranger, was really encouraging, just to be affirmed like that.

Sharing was…phenomenal, to say the least. ppl I didn’t expect to share, shared, and not the flaky stuff, but the real, deep, painful stuff. It was genuine. (sidenote: I am SOOOOOOOOOOOo excited for vince to join us next year; he’s such an awesome kid.) lots of inspiring and encouraging things, but some challenging and painful things as well. A challenging statement was why we wait until these ‘sharing’ times @retreats to share with others honestly and openly. We should be doing this all the time, not only @retreats.

Sharing was also part 2 of discovering that God had been working before retreat. I shared about some struggles I’ve been going thru this year; more specifically, my lack of confidence, and getting over my fear (of everything lol). The book of Joshua has been an encouragement to me this term, because I could relate to the whole being a new leader type thing.. esp in chapter 1 where God commands him to be strong and courageous because He’s backing him up the whole way.

So anyways, I talked about what I learned from Joshua, and by the end of sharing, at least 3,4 ppl also mentioned that they had been studying Joshua as well, whether individually, or in a group. It was absolutely mind-boggling! God had united us even before we realized it. It was amazing.

But I think the main thing I learned from this retreat was to stop putting God into a box, because retreat exceeded any/all of my expectations. I expected a good time of bonding, fellowship, etc.. the stuff that usually happens at retreat etc.. but I definitely did not expect all the oTHER stuff God did… We expected no more than 30 ppl to go; 34 ended up going. Being able to call ourselves a ‘community’.. open-heart sharing. So I learned that we often underestimate His power.. but He can do g r e a t things if only we let Him.

the reasons why i miss waterloo: (*gasp!)

2006-02-28T20:08:00.000-05:00

wow, i really should just give up now.

2006-02-26T15:02:00.000-05:00

i use this whenever i don't want someone to read off my xanga.. so that's why things are usually more negative here..lol

but these are my thoughts and feelings..

i'm reallly trying to let myself go more, and be more of myself .. i'm trying to be less afraid of being vulnerable w/my feelings and let you in.. because i shut u down without even realizing it most of the time. trying to be more assertive.. and show that i care, because i usually do the opposite of what i want to do to hide my feelings.

but you have this way of giving me hope, and then retracting it.

i'm trying to do all those things, but i also need to guard my heart.

can i rely on you?

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

2005-12-28T22:53:00.000-05:00

feeling bleh

i tend to eat a lot when i'm feeling like crap..so i'm feeling pretty full right now.

i think it's so sad.. thinking that my worth is dependent on others liking me or not. it is NOT TRUE. and yet i still forget that my worth was determined long before i was even born when He gave His life for me. i am worth Jesus' life. how completely and utterly undeserving am i? But it is true. i am worth that much, and nobody, no matter how much they love me or not, can ever change that.

He is more than enough for me... and yet i keep on searching elsewhere. ashamed and broken...i'm realizing again that i am nothing without You.

Lord, help me to focus my attention on the things that matter most to You.. i want to continually seek the desires of Your heart instead of my own petty desires. there are bigger things happening outside of my own life, and i want desperately to be a part of what You're doing in our lives.

2005-12-19T23:23:00.000-05:00

taken from nevin's pg...please fill out!:) hehehe

1. What is your name?
2. For how long have we known each other?
3. Where did we first meet each other?
4. What was your first impression of me?
5. Do you still think of me in the same way?
6. When did we last see each other?
7. Describe me, using at least three words.
8. Are we friends?
9. Choose one character from a TV show that is similar to me. Please name the show.
10. If you had to give me a nickname, what would it be and why would you choose it?
11. Have I made an impact in your life?
12. What is the best memory that we've had together?
13. For how long do you think we will be friends?
14. What do you think my weakness is?
15. Do you think I'll get married?
16. If so, to whom?
17. What makes me happy?
18. What makes me sad?
19. What reminds you of me?
20. If you could give me anything, what would it be?
21. How well do you know me?
22. Have you ever wanted to tell me something, but couldn't?
23. Do you think I could kill someone?
24. What is one of my goals?
25. What are my favourite colours?
26. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
27. Anything else?

2005-10-07T02:19:00.000-04:00

sometimes i just really want to give up.

ok fine. many times.

i want to give up on everything. i don't know. sometimes it just sweeps over me like the waves crash onto the shore. without much warning it comes . and i am forced to look at it face to face. it is only then that i realize how deep the disappointments, the wounds go. would you think of me the same if you saw what was inside? a broken mess of emotions which i cannot even begin to describe.. what if you really knew?
i just feel so defeated. worthless. useless. replaceable.

"You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill...He longs for you...
You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true of you.
God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days and decisions, your desires and disappointments. He wants intimacy with you in the midst of the madness and mundane, the meetings and memos, the laundry and lists, the carpools and conversations and projects and pain. He wants to pour his love into your heart and he longs to have you pour yours into his. He wants your deep heart, that center place within that is the truest you. He is not interested in intimacy with the woman you think you are supposed to be. He wants intimacy with the real you.
You see, beauty indwells every woman...Like a shy doe, it reveals itself for a moment, then fades back into cover. Usually it comes when she doesn't know it, when she isn't trying to make it come. Rather, something is happening that allows her defenses to come down for a moment. For instance, when someone is listening. She knows that she matters. Someone cares about her heart, wants to know her. Her beauty emerges as if from behind a veil.
So the choice a woman makes is not to conjure beauty, but to let her defenses down. To choose to set aside her normal means of survival and just let her heart show up...True beauty comes from... a heart at rest.
A woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that he finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in him, she is enough." [from Captivating by: John & Stasi Eldredge]

let that be my prayer...
there are no words to describe the way i feel right now.. Lord Jesus come into this heart.. the space is closed up tightly but please..open it up again.

2005-07-07T17:25:00.000-04:00

jus flippin back to the stuff i wrote in my CC handbook a couple months ago...

vision is:
-born out of a context
-"meeting of deep passion w/the deep needs of the world"
-getting from “I would like to…I dream…I want…” to “what is God doing now and how can I cooperate and meet those needs?”

2005-07-05T01:22:00.000-04:00

soooo, the long weekend..

left TO around 2pm on thursday.. sooo much traffic it took us around 6,7 hrs to get to ottawa.. on the way there, stopped by the big apple place where they sell freshly baked pies w/a whole ton of filling..*drool....and also, saw a bright orange ferrari…so we followed it for a good 20 mins or so, trying to get a pic of vicki beside the car :P hehehehe…(had the perfect chance but missed it cuz my memory card got all messed up n then I lost all those pix of the ferrari!!:( grrrr..)

got to vicki's brother's place @(exactly) 8pm.. it was so homey ..when the other ppl arrived we played this card game, dutch blitz, which was made up by Christian germans ?! that was fun but oh so addicting…slept around 4am, then headed to montreal the next day…checked in at the travelodge in centre-ville right beside chinatown and then did a lil sightseeing in old montreal/old port, tho there really wasn’t much to see.. ahhaha… but omg, discovered blueberry ice cream!!!! w/actual bits of blueberry in it…oh man. best flavour evER, hands dowN. And then jenn and I had our first ever beaver tail lol…n then it started raining/thunderstorming like crazy so we ran for cover for a bit… then went to search for dinner…ended up at this nice viet restaurant and had this incredible dessert… fried banana w/some honey/evap milk sauce… *droool…but halfway thru dinner, we got quite a sight of someone’s behind…we sat by the window and there was this beggar guy outside…and he dropped his pants. no idea why… but it remained that way for the rest of our dinner. quite appetizing. *shudder

neway, headed to the jazz fest after dinner, and jazzinho (jazz vocalist) wasn’t exactly what I expected…she was more mambo sambo stuff!?! hahah..wasn’t really feelin it..so we left after a few songs, n then it started pouring again .. so ran inside to complexe desjardins til the rain stopped and then we listened to this big band …that was the stuff…mmm..n then prepped to go clubbing @orchid…finally asleep at 4:30am ..next day went shopping for a few hrs and met up w/herm n his friend…also bumped into some uw grads on the street (soo random) n left mtl around 5pm…ah vicki u kno me too well…haha..on the way back, there was this STUPID car that insisted on tailing us…and not passing even when possible…actually it kept following us too.. changing lanes when we did,etc… most annoying thing eVer……. - . -! but yaa… good,fun weekend overall…. first roadtrip (cottage doesn’t really count) ever w/friends:)

2005-06-20T22:30:00.000-04:00

i had a dream a few nights ago... can't rmb exactly what it was about.. but i jus rmb this one thing someone said to me... "please,give your heart away".. as in putting my whole heart into something/someone. because i'm scared of getting hurt, there's always a part of me i like to 'hold back' from others...? sure, i guess it's only natural, but i know i need to be more vulnerable and share my life more openly w/others.

2005-06-20T22:24:00.000-04:00

Where there is no difference, there is only indifference. - Louis Nizer

2005-06-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

what a week... 2nd last week of june already.

things i've been learning/chewing on...

words don't mean a thing. it's not about the mistakes you make, but what you learn from them. love/accept them for who they are. let go and trust Him. obedience = walking in faith. do you even know...? is it just me??help. on different pages. learning how to run to God for help first. prayer changes hearts. to hear only the sound of birds chirping.

"One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it." - Sidney Howard

2005-06-15T00:09:00.000-04:00

how funny..... i wrote like three times in my journal today...compared to the days/weeks where i dun even write at all...what a contrast. i dunno what's gotten into me..but i guess since last nite, after talkin w/a friend bout our 'year'..made me realize that i'm not alone in this struggle, and that lots of praying is needed to change the hearts of His ppl..and transform them completely.. i pray that You'll give them an unquenchable thirst for You... we know that You have great things planned for SCAC..

so tonite was pretty spontaneous...an elementary school friend asked if i wanted to check this thing out...put together by some ppl from YOAH..it's like a weekly get together... lotsa worshipping and praying... it was pretty intense..but in a good way.. haven't experienced nething like that in a while besides CC..(at least not in a small grp setting...) becuz every single person in that room was singing their heart out and truly crying out to God.. unbridled passion and worship and prayer... yet it was unified... it was amazing.. in a room full of ppl i didn't even know.. and i could feel the unity... ppl from all diff backgrounds, coming together as the body of Christ... that was awesome..

prayer was intense...everyone praying aloud simultaneously..first time i heard someone speak in tongues.... i wasnt sure if it was when i heard it.. but like.. whoa. ahha a lot of the time i just sat there, trying to absorb it all lol... but yaa... i was so blessed to have experienced tonite... at the end of it, someone shared something.. an encouragement for all of us... it was so funny, becuz... literally like every word she said, was like she was speaking directly to my heart. main things were... to keep chasing after the dreams God has placed on ur heart no matter what happens..and not be discouraged..becuz God has made you to do things that no other person on this earth can do... and He has placed different burdens and visions on each of our hearts..so don't give up and don't be discouraged... He is with you all of the way..and He'll do great things thru you if you only let Him... (haha i should b telling myself those things..)

but ya... God is good... and prayer is powerful.

2005-06-14T23:23:00.000-04:00

ahahhaha fine... just for you dan so u can COMMENT....

jus finished watching Before Sunset.. it was an interesting movie...basically a convo between 2 ppl who meet again after 9 yrs...they talk about the what ifs...how things might be different now if they had met that december...

i dunno.. sometimes i wonder if things would be different if i had done/said something..but the moment's passed and it's too late to change that..

So now i'm wondering if i'm making the right decisions... if i put it down now...will i ever be able to pick it up again? or will it become something i'll regret later on? is it worth all the trouble? who can say for sure?? part of me's already out the door. tell me how can i trust you again?

maybe i'm just expecting too much from ppl..cuz it's what i'd do for them..

i know i should..and want.. to let go...if only i knew there was zero hope haha.but unfortunately thats not possible.. so i guess i'll always be wondering..

I wish I could say
All the things that I’d like to say
Say ’em loud say ’em clear
For the whole round world to hear
I wish I could share
All the love that’s in my heart
Remove every doubt
It keeps us apart
And I wish you could know
What it means to be me...

I wish I could live
Like I’m longin’ to live
I wish I could give
What I’m longin’ to give
And I wish I could do
All the things I’d like to do

2005-06-13T11:32:00.000-04:00

sooo blog's not really what i use nemore.. go to www.xanga.com/summer_sky3 for updates :P

2005-05-25T17:17:00.000-04:00

once again, God has shattered all expectations..and given me so much more than i could ever imagine.. need some time to reflect and take this all in.. but this year's CC was like a CC within itself. so different from last yr's but both were equally amazing in their own way.

God has taught me and shown me many, many things this weekend.. i just hope that i can remember them all ..

but meanwhile, i experienced my very first allnighter evER w/part of my small grp on the last night.. haha.. (btw ALEX,i dun care what u say,i woke up at 8:20 the day b4 - . - ) i slept for a total of 10 hrs in 4 days..so i caught up on sleep last night and slept from 8pm-9:30 this morning. hahah.. tho i assure you, it was absolutely worth it. after a few of us prayed for the small group on sunday nite, some of the others started to join us and we just talked until 4 something..i was planning on going to bed around that time, but then we noticed that it was getting brighter outside so we decided to go outside to catch the sunrise. it was really cloudy so we couldn't really see it..but that was definitely one of the highlights of the weekend.. one of the truest moments of fellowship.. enjoying and reflecting upon God's creation together.

I am just still in awe of how God has brought so many different individuals together, and even more so, at their desire to stay in touch even after CC.. i'm just awestruck and so thankful...

to be continued..

2005-05-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

loss of words..

I have been brought to a place..
Where all I can do is seek your face
The brokenness I will bring

letting go/jeremy camp

2005-05-09T12:38:00.000-04:00

how strange that i'm writing on this again... for the past while i've jus been writing on xanga cuz i wanted my thoughts to be a lil more 'private'.. but neway.
past two days have just been overwhelming to say the least...found out some stuff i didn't exactly want to know.....and i just really don't know how to feel.. bout everything (except what i told kaju tonite)...just at a loss for words.. and it doesn't even involve me haha. i don't know the answer when u ask 'what should i do?'...i don't know who you are anymore.or maybe i just never knew you at all..

Older chests reveal themselves
Like a crack in a wall
Starting small, and grow in time
And we always seem to need the help
Of someone else
To mend that shelf
Too many books
Read me your favourite line...

Some things in life may change
And some things
They stay the same

Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

Older Chests/Damien Rice

2005-04-12T00:05:00.000-04:00

saw this on Tim's page..says exactly what i'm feeling..

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have said these words or cried these tears
And like a child would come I run into our secret place
And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

I am alive in this moment
In this moment I am found
I am alive in this moment
In this moment I belong

It's been so long since I have met You here
Since I have heard You speak or let You near
And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide
Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life

Here only one fire burns, it burns
Here only one melody is heard
Once again for the very first time
My eyes are opening

[Alive in this Moment-Starfield]

2005-04-10T01:18:00.000-04:00

wow. today was another good day..(besides the 3hr exam in the morning,which felt like i was in there forevER..) Basically did nothing and relaxed the whole day.. HAHA. after the exam, went grocery shopping for tmr's cell grp dinner,and then i (finally) finished watching my tape of chinese shows (i cried during the 18th episode!when he was leaving..).. and then i played some guitar outside on the porch,when the sun was starting to set.. it was just good, since my street's pretty quiet and stuff.. it was nice..made me think of cottage ;p haha ..and never in a million years would i have thought this, but won't have this next yr,since our balcony faces the main artery of this town. And thenn i was beyond impressed by my friend's culinary skills. hahahah.. wow, if i only knew earlier..HAHAHA jkjk. but yah,that was definitely today's highlight.. just catching up w/an old friend he made baked pasta (HAHAHA..having the same thing tmr nite for cell), and for my drink, it was five-alive mixed w/sprite plus fruit chunks in a SUGAR-RIMMED frosted (literally) cup. that did it for me. completely wowed and felt like a kid again, grinning stupidly at the cup. honestly i'm a girl, and even I don't do that! it's crazy just the amount of thoughtfulness he puts into cooking dinner for others. i just thought it was really awesome how it was his way of showing his love to them and his form of ministry this term..it's a really good idea.. hmmmm!haha... man totally impressed. so newaz we watched Eternal Sunshine and that was a good movie.. different,and kinda strange and confusing at times but it was overall good..very interesting. had moments of good stuff.. like this quote:

How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd. -Alexander Pope

i have no idea what that means but it sounded really good in the movie when it was put to that music..HAHA . [karen i think u'd like this one.]
newho i think thats enuf for today..i'm really blessed w/great friends. :)

2005-04-08T22:00:00.000-04:00

oh summer how i miss you so...*

2005-04-02T02:36:00.000-05:00

looking back.. [may 25,2004]

wow. i don't even know where to start.... this weekend was just.. totally awesome.. Campus Challenge definitely lived up to its name. I was challenged in so many different ways this weekend... there was so much i learned..about God..myself.. my relationship with Him.... so much information that i'm still trying to absorb!..
this weekend has jus been .. an overwhelming flood of knowledge,prayers,and emotions..

i was blessed to have an amazing small grp, and small grp leader. it blew me away. i haftu admit, b4 going to CC this weekend, i didn't really have any expectations of it.. except that there was a tiny part of me that thought it might be like previous conferences/retreats where..the passion i experienced there, would diminish as the days went by.. i realize now that it was becuz i had not been truly transformed in my heart.. but CC absolutely disspelled that and went beyond nething i had been too afraid to expect (for fear of disappointment)..

wow.. what can i say... ?small grp was definitely one of the big things..the sharing.. the praying.... my small grp leader was whoa.i have never heard anyone talk or pray like that before.i was blown away. here was someone so strongly rooted in God, and so real in all that he said. he definitely has the gift of prophesying.. he prayed with such authority and power.. you knew that the Holy Spirit was speaking thru him and moving him.. there were so many things he prayed, which were said in my heart but he voiced aloud to God..... it was amazing.. we were all so blessed with a leader like him .. it was so encouraging.. and it was jus awesome how everyone got along.. even with all our different personalities and backgrounds.....

and how could i forget.... God..the Almighty One.. was definitely there with us.. He answered my prayers.. and He has made me brand new.. touched my heart and a transformation has begun. for Your strength is made perfect in our weakness. i pray that i will always remember that i'm firstly called to be a witness for Jesus, and everything else comes second.i also pray that i will never forget all that i experienced this weekend.. God..the joy that filled me up..the inspiring examples of authentic Jesus followers..

last night i was broken down. in our small grp, we each shared about what our spiritual gifts were.. and i was last to share. the tears started flowing.. i guess i didn't even realize that i had been holding all this in for a long time... i believe that God has given me a passion for those (esp friends) that are struggling in their faith/walk with God.. becuz it hurts so much every time i see someone drift further and further away from Him.. and it is so difficult. so hard to see that happening; all i can do is only pray. because all the words i say to them won't help one bit.. and it is God that moves in their hearts and lives.which is why i should definitely pray more for them.
mmm.. and also .. i really haven't done much in terms of serving @church/ccf... well this past yr, cuz i was @loo most of the time in 1st term,so i cant serve on worship team @scac.. n 2nd term.. started goin to ccf regularly.. but i didn't make a commitment to serving on worship... jus did some odd ones here n there. but i think it's time to stop the complacency/jus takin and not contributing to it.. so i'm makin a commitment to serving God on worship team this yr @ccf..

=======================================

wow.where'd all that go?...haha funny how i mentioned that His strength is made perfect in my weakness cuz thats been one of the big things this yr for me.. i have definitely experienced that..but sadly,some of the things i was broken about are not so important to me anymore.that's disappointing...and ohhh how wrong i was,thinking i'd be doing worship this yr@LCCF. haha..God definitely has a sense of humour..it's been a great year,serving as a cell group leader for the first time in my life.. now that it's almost over, i'm kinda sad..but i can honestly say that i enjoyed it..despite all the nerve-wracking situations,etc. haha but it's definitely helped me grow a lot..

God give me that passion for Your people again..

2005-03-28T20:39:00.000-05:00

quote from yesterday's sermon @TCMC..

God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way. He wants you to be just like Jesus. -"Just Like Jesus" by Max Lucado

2005-03-27T20:31:00.000-05:00

my weekend..

dinner @karen's on good fri :)

it wasn't my fault... ! there was too much cream on the top - . -

me and my PIC

@Taurus' baptism!:) AYP crew: eliot,wendy,taurus,joey,me,vicki,christina (minus jooly & mike)

the AYP girls tradition:) me,wendy,vicki,joey,christina

again..

2005-03-26T01:27:00.000-05:00

Our Greatest Fear by: Nelson Mandela

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

it's time.

way to end off a great day. hat's off to you...! can't take this anymore; so SICK and TIRED of this..!its friggin ridiculous.who wants to move out w/me??

2005-03-20T00:44:00.000-05:00

you kno what my dream job would be? (not to say that music therapy'll be horrible or nething but this is jus like a 'fantasy', if you will. haha) ..... a fashion stylist/consultant. hehehehhehe. cuz i loveeeeeeee helping ppl pick out clothes and stuff..and making them try stuff they wouldn't normally try on which turns out surprisingly well..haha its like playing dress up.. so much fun!!hehe so y'know..netime you need any advice/tips or whatever... i'm here for ya!:D

2005-03-19T22:10:00.000-05:00

good times last nite @cafe hollywood w/Gordon,Dave,and Karen :)

it's been a while since we've actually talked as a grp n stuff..i wish summer was here.

2005-03-12T00:04:00.000-05:00

so much wisdom

colluni was pretty good tonite..definitely worth the drive back.one of the key points i rmb was.."if you're not a Cinderella, don't expect a Prince Charming."

lots to think about.. i mean,some stuff i knew from before,but just needed to be reminded..like how its all about God..not me,you,or anything else.. and tmr's interview..i feel more at peace right now,but still feel the need to 'prepare'.. :P

sorry PIC-can't stay here this weekend :( but u kno how to reach me..*hugs*

gonna be a busy weekend.

2005-03-10T02:30:00.000-05:00

song doesn't really apply to me haha but i really like it.

man. this is seriously a year of patience-testing from God. like non-stop,simultaneously. (year=school year)

last term was basically the housemate..and waiting on His answers..this term has been multiple things..the other housemate,collabarations,friends,finding a place for next yr....and of course,waiting for the admission/rejection to music therapy... i find i'm really starting to lose it. my 'calmness'/sanity. getting irritated/frustrated easier more often,losing my temper quicker...etc. reallllly not great. i uno things jus seem to be accumulating more and more..really honestly near the end of the rope here. ie. gonna explode soon or something if i don't spill it all out. feeling str e - t c h - ed like there's no tomorrow. i need to scream,yell,get it out of my system. haha. OOK about time to sleep!10am class tmr and it's gona be a long one tmr..

2005-03-08T01:12:00.000-05:00

in case u havent been to my imagestation yet...this is basically a summary of my reading week..LCCF retreat,mom's bday,my bday,gordon's bday..haha..

@retreat:gooooo team sarah umm blagck!..we're waiting for our punishments....... :S this---->endless teasing.

cell grp 'family portrait'

heheh :)

S-C-A-C

after our tradition:P

trying to make a pyramid!good times..

me + bestest nite b4 my bday:)

dundas sq

LCCF Skating @Mel Lastman

20

"20!"

gordon's bday the next day!cheesecake made by urs truly;)

bday boy + girl.. hahahaha that's a cookie in his hands.. :P

pimpin' w/his new hat

2005-03-06T01:24:00.000-05:00

wow.went to fmp at 3 different times in the span of 5 hrs today. haven't been there in ages, but it was like overload today. it's funny.. back in high school i used to eat @the food court there w/my friends all the time.. and being there again today after so long.. it reminded me of those times.. and the friends i used to hang out with--the ppl i dun really keep in touch with nemore.. actually the first person that came to mind was jolly. i miss him.. and his orange pants..his colourful shirts..and his slappable face. HAHA. but of course..gotta say that.. most memorable yr was gr. 12 w/my AYP--best group ever.it was an awesome year.blessed.but many hard lessons learned and tears shed together..oh the memories.
i dunno why i've been looking back so much recently..

2005-03-05T10:46:00.000-05:00

it's been a while..

i really enjoyed colluni last nite.. bible study on colossians 1. but very different approach compared to when lccf did it in sept..haha it was the first bible study of the year.. but yah. it was good just to participate, rather than lead for once, cuz it's been a while.. it was quite different from how we do it @ccf..more.. 'topical' hahaha..more to get discussion goin n stuff.. it was really interesting tho..not having to lead for once.. i really liked it. HAHAHA. nono..it's just been a while since i've actually participated in one.. :P

soo what i've been hearing is..to wait..and God'll provide @the right time...
i really just miss being able to talk to him more than once during the whole week or something.... :T

2005-03-03T18:37:00.000-05:00

LCCF! :D

2005-02-28T02:18:00.000-05:00

it's funny.

despite stuff i'm anxious about..and being bak in loo again and goin bak to school tmr..i feel at peace. just... satisfied,content about where i am right now.

2005-02-26T03:40:00.000-05:00

haha nothing like talkin on the phone for 2 hrs bout relationships(or lack of,rather..)and the whole shebang while eating some chewy nibs.. ahahah:P thanks for the 'advice' i think.... ;p

sometimes i jus wonder..who'll it be..or if there's even a who. haha..other times i wonder.. what might've happened if some things were changed in the past..but God works in funny ways..He doesn't always give you what you want the most..but what He does end up giving to you is far better than anything you could've ever imagined/expected...

2005-02-25T14:59:00.000-05:00

this past week has been a whirlwind of events and emotions..
lccf retreat,getting into MT,mom's bday,justin gettin the job in Cali,my bday,gordon's bday.. pheww.it's been crazy to say the least..(check out some of the pix on my imagestation:daydreamsun3..)

last nite's OC episode was sooo good.. the BEST ENDING EVER..!

Champagne Supernova/cover by Matt Pond PA

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova
'Cuz we don't believe
That they're gonna get away from the summer
But you and I will never die
The world's still spinning around we don't know why

2005-02-22T15:49:00.000-05:00

thanks :)

i am so touched by everyone's encouragement..all those warm fuzzies from & after retreat... u guys are so sweet. *muah*!! lol..but honestly i really appreciated all the words of kindness n encouragement becuz inadequacy was/still is a huge thing for me..so thanks a lot!!this jus goes to show how He does amazing things thru ordinary ppl like me. haha.. so here's to Him who does immeasurably more than we could ever expect/hope for..and cheers to LCCF -- i'm soo encouraged to see how much u guys have all grown in ur faith since i first met u guys!..and the raw love and passion u guys have for God n others is amazing to see..keep it real*

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline.
So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord..but join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life–not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace.
-2 Timothy 1:7-9

2005-02-21T13:45:00.000-05:00

OOOOHHHHHH wow.

this has GOT to be like the best bday present ever.no make that the BEST week EVER.and its only just begun.
still hasn't really completely sunk in yet.... but praise God..no words can express the gratitude due to Him..
still in shock.
complete and utter :O

2005-02-20T23:06:00.000-05:00

what a weekend..!

it was... definitely a weekend of awesome fellowship..
need time to absorbbb .. so more later. :P and cuz im too tired to think.

2005-02-17T01:52:00.000-05:00

i'm a wreck. i need my PIC >.<

2005-02-14T22:35:00.000-05:00

Audience of One/Big Daddy Weave

I come on my knees
To lay down before you
Bringing all that I am
Longing only to know you
Seeking your face
And not only your hand
I find you embracing me
Just as I am

And I lift these songs
To you and you alone
As I sing to you
In my praises make your home

To my audience of one
You are Father, and you are Son
As your spirit flows free,
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise you.
And now just to know you more
Has become my great reward
To see your kingdom come
And your will be done
I only desire to be yours,
Lord

So what could I bring
To honor your majesty
What song could I sing
That would move the heart of royalty
And all that I have
Is the life that you’ve given me
So Lord let me live for you
My song with humility

And Lord as the love song
Of my life is played
I have one desire
To bring glory to your name

2005-02-14T13:39:00.000-05:00

i need a cheerer upper :(

2005-02-10T17:55:00.000-05:00

can't take this nemoree..!!!!!!!

2005-02-10T11:48:00.000-05:00

just getting tired of this..
tired of it all..
the other one i'm living with..who woulda thought.

i need rest..

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress,I will never be shaken.
-Psalm 62:1,2

2005-02-08T13:14:00.000-05:00

so my weekend went something like this..
friday..went on a lil spontaneous road trip to Mac to visit my sai lo w/jeff..it was solid. solid night of chilling..one of those times when you don't have to do much to have a great night.
yah,we're cool :P

so we got there,had dinner @kelsey's (my first time EVER.haha) n then we toured the campus for a bit n chilled bak @his res..also had my very first sip of beer (keith's) ever lol n it tasted better than i thought..:P so we jus caught up ..swapped roommate stories.. harharhar.. n then i got a craving for pineapples..

so we went to the nearest sobey's (hamilton doesnt even have one!?!) around 2:30...and took all these random pictures there.....
yay!finally.

took so many tries to get this right hahah

my beloved oreos...minus the new golden oreos!;p

"i was there" hehehe :P

so ended up sleeping @4 and then left around 10:30 to get bak to loo in time for retreat bible study @12..

i was pretty worn out but sO energized when i saw lau ma n kary (and nevin too i guess:P)...that was ... quiTE the bible study..so ended around 2:30 n then i had to rush bak to TO to get ready for winterlicious..got back @4,didn't even haf time to grab a bite to eat..rushed around tryin to find my HEELS(which i found out LATER on sunday that karen had em all along n i forgot -.- )..showered,etc..got to gordon's after 5:30..ahaha..
me + bonnie b4 winterlicious..

me after finding out there was no memory card in my camera :( no thanks to my sister!

dave n gordon drove us dt...it was a niceee place..smaller than i expected,but reallly nice..it was so classy i felt outta place lol...food was good but nothin spectacular..just good times with my year..
the group in front of tundra..gabe,martin,clem,dave,me,bonnie,gordon,monty,ken

dave,gordon,gabe......

martin's the only one that's awake here..

and YAY i wasn't the only girl there for once..!:D we finished early so went bak to gordon's for a bit..i didn't stay..cuz stupid phone call ruined it -.-

gabe is very open to things......

that night driving home was soooooo scary..esp when i was on the highway past major mack.. omg. couldn't see nething beyond my lights..i dun even kno if my fog lights made a difference!!it was crazy.but i was reminded of an analogy dan mentioned a while back..that that's what its kinda like to trust Him/have faith...becuz we can't really see anything beyond a few steps in front of us..but we just haftu trust in Him..and keep on heading in the right direction..

sunday had lunch with my PIC...thanks hun..u always cheer me up :) and that was the end of my great/bittersweet weekend..

i really need to study.

2005-02-06T00:16:00.000-05:00

when nobody understands..
and you jus wana sleep forever..cuz you dun wana face another day..
don't wana stay,but don't wana leave either.

-->more on mac later...

2005-01-23T22:58:00.000-05:00

missing this... wish i could be there again... *

2005-01-22T14:03:00.000-05:00

i've always wanted to walk around something like that.... (dawson's creek..ahahaha)

memories on my wall.... :)

2005-01-21T01:30:00.000-05:00

Like a million parachutes
The snow's coming down
I'll lock up the front door
And turn the lights down
In the glow of the street lights
I see them descend
Like a million parachutes
Small men on a mission

I miss the warmth
And I miss the sun
I miss the ocean
I miss everyone
And I miss the bridges
That span across the bay
Tonight, it seems like ages ago

Like a million parachutes
the snow still falls
The dogs are asleep now
There's no one to call
I'll put on some records
And wait for the light
Under those million parachutes
Now a blanket of white.

A Million Parachutes/Sixpence None The Richer

2005-01-20T01:18:00.000-05:00

from His dwelling place He watches
all who live on earth-
He who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do...
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him,
on those whose hope is in His unfailing love...

We wait in hope for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in His holy name.
May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord,
even as we put our hope in You.
-Psalm 33:14-22

2005-01-20T00:26:00.000-05:00

trudging home after ccf tonight... there was sO much snow on the sidewalks.. soft fluffy light snow.. it reminded me of the snow i got snowjobbed in - . - yes happy times.. um no. it was always during winter camps... @muskoka.. those were the days. bonding..tubing..

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

See the truth all around
Our faith can be broken
And our hands can be bound
But open our hearts and fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives
Even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

very much humbled.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:18

2005-01-15T00:06:00.000-05:00

music brings u bak.. it feels like im 'discovering' my love for music again..

heard this song again since that last time..soo good..

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Collide/Howie Day

new meaning to "putting urself in someone else's shoes".

2005-01-14T09:07:00.000-05:00

Twenty-Four/Switchfoot

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

2005-01-11T15:29:00.000-05:00

familiarity can kill you.

fill my heart and my mind with the things of Your heart..
purpose,vision*

2005-01-09T00:40:00.000-05:00

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline.
-2 Timothy 1:7

2005-01-06T12:05:00.000-05:00

been reading some really good devos lately...

When God called Jeremiah, He didn't tell the prophet all the details. If He had, Jeremiah might have made a run for the border. Instead, God promised to direct and speak through Jeremiah. That would be all he needed to know...
I used to tell God my plans, then waited for Him to follow my lead. When He didn't come through, I wondered what His problem was--not realizing that the problem was my own...
So as you seek God's will, don't lay out the options for Him. Let God write the essay.
-John Carvalho

2005-01-02T18:41:00.000-05:00

the new yr's post
new yr's is overrated..
but reflection is needed... if i had to sum up the past yr with one word, it would be learning. a wHOLe lotta learning. learning about character,friendships,family,sickness,leading,natural beauty.. but the main thing i learned throughout all those diverse experiences is that it's all about Him..everything works to display His glory.. and something i've been struggling with for the past few months is that He is really all i need.. the only One who's there with me all the time and whom i can depend on,w/o fail..
so thanks You..and for the icing on the cake-- the ppl around me. :)

here's to another crazy yr :P

2005-01-01T14:57:00.000-05:00

need to figure out this mind first..

but somethin i've been thinkin bout..conditional love vs. unconditional..if u think about it... its actually a much harder concept to grasp than u'd think.. we all like to think we love unconditionally..but really,how many of us would keep on loving someone if they did not return that love?ie. with friendships,would u keep on 'giving' even if the other person is unresponsive/doesnt seem to cherish the friendship as much as u do?? am i mixing up two diff things here? i dunnnno.... but i find it soo hard to do. it's not impossible tho..a mother's love towards her children is unconditional..my baby cousin was born earlier this yr..and he was unable to do much except eat,cry,sleep..but my aunt continued taking care of him even when he refused to eat and woke up late at night crying.. or even with my mom..i get angry with her n stuff,but she still makes me lai cha n oatmeal for breakfast like she usually does..she doesnt haftu do it..but she chooses to love me even when i 'gick' her(make her angry) or make her worry bout me..
how dooo they do it?!

2004-12-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

break me down and take it all away to make me understand...
You're the One i've been searching for all this time.

2004-12-28T22:47:00.000-05:00

awesome song..
Anything/The Calling

I will be there
Always waiting
Waiting for you
To let me inside
Where your fire burns
In a city of angels
Just like a river rushing straight into the sea
I'm the one thing meant for you and you for me

Whatever you want
Whatever you need
Whatever it takes, I'll do anything

And as you sleep
Eyes to the window
I'm watching you dream
Well are you dreaming of me?
So why can't you see
You're all that matters
You know if this earth should crack
I'll be your solid ground
I will be there to catch you when you fall down

If I have to crawl
Get down on my knees
Whatever it takes, I'll go anything

I'd take the stars right out of the sky for you
I'd end the world give you the sun, the moon
For all of time, forever loving you

2004-12-28T18:23:00.000-05:00

maybe i'm "fatigued from loving".....tired of it. everything
who am i kidding?

2004-12-25T22:50:00.000-05:00

im really bored..

TEN random things about me:
10. i like watching chinese shows/movies
9. i was a major bookworm when i was a kid
8. i have a really sweet tooth
7. lovE colours
6. hopeless romantic
5. i don't like wearing white/black/gray socks.
4. easily angered by stupid drivers.
3. i dun wana turn 20 next yr!!>.<
2. "cute" describes many things
1. usually not opinionated.. haha

NINE places I've visited (starting with most exotic):
9. hawaii
8. paris
7. london
6. switzerland
5. italy
4. austria
3. china
2. hong kong
1. vancouver

EIGHT things I want to do before I die:
8. go bungee jumping
7. learn how to surf
6. learn how to play some mean guitar
5. go on STM
4. work @clothing store
3. get married n have 2 kids
2. go skiing/snowboarding in whistler
1. shoot a real gun

SEVEN ways to win my heart:
7. make me laugh
6. thoughtfulness in the small things
5. treat everyone equally well
4. good dresser
3. confidence
2. ability to read my mind ha ha.
1. love me for who i am

SIX things I believe in:
6. God
5. Jesus
4. heaven/hell
3. justice
2. miracles
1. love

FIVE things I'm afraid of:
5. not gettin into music therapy
4. losing family/friends suddenly w/o saying goodbye
3. changes/challenges
2. unknown future
1. icky things

FOUR of my favorite items in my bedroom:
4. pictures
3. pretty dresses/skirts
2. encouragement notes/letters
1. artistic creations from my PIC

THREE things I do everyday:
3. msn/internet
2. listen to music
1. talk to my mommy

TWO things I am trying not to do right now:
2. think too much
1. keep watchin tv..

ONE person I want to see right now:
you.

2004-12-25T21:19:00.000-05:00

When I am overwhelmed
Holding pieces of my heart
When I feel my world
Start to fall apart

To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

2004-12-25T01:21:00.000-05:00

wanna go back here.. get awayy..

2004-12-25T00:02:00.000-05:00

my Lord came down from His holy throne on high, where He was worshipped and adored by the countless angels.. to love us... born into the humblest place -- not into a comfortable,wealthy environment which He could've lived in.. instead He chose to live the simple life of a carpenter..in a world that was everything opposite to His being.its the mystery of the universe. He's experienced ..and felt .. everything that we have in our own lives.
amazing love..thank You*

*sigh. i'm such a fool...everytime.

2004-12-22T00:49:00.000-05:00

feels soOOOOooooo good to be finally DONEEEE
wow.
took forever to get here.
but FINALLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY finished.
ahhhhh.....:)

let the holidays begin!:D

2004-12-20T13:20:00.000-05:00

in this time of procrastination...i'd jus like to say that...
I DUN WANA STUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
..despite the fact that my exam is tmr.. i'm still not motivated to study for it..which is pretty bad,considering its the hardest one, and i haven't looked at NETHING yet.the only thing i've done with my books is take them out of my bag @home.. and put them bak into my bag to go bak to loo.. - . - sigh.

no time no time........the holidays are gonna b over b4 i even know it.!>.<

2004-12-20T01:54:00.000-05:00

all i gotta say is... 3 hrs well spent...... NOT studying. and i have no more "face" after tonight. why do u guys haftu LEAVEEEEEEEEE??? :(

2004-12-19T21:37:00.000-05:00

appaRENTLY, it does matter. not sure why/how... but it does.
a few things i 'learned' during the hr and a bit i was stuck on the 401 on my way bak to loo...
God's timing is perfect.
no way.
listen when He talks!
God is crazy. (in a gOOD way)

2 songs i heard during that time..
Look What You've Done/Jet

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Somewhere Only We Know/Keane

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

2004-12-19T00:44:00.000-05:00

now i know.... but so what?? doesn't matter neway..
SUM TAM la. (heart is feeling BLAND)
blah.

2004-12-15T23:42:00.000-05:00

sometimes im so sure..but in the fleeting moments... i don't know.

2004-12-15T13:32:00.000-05:00

awesome..thx alex :P

the otHER half....

When I say ... I am a Christian. I`m not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are too visible but God believes I`m worth it.
When I say... I am a Christian. I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches which is why I seek HIS name.
When I say ... I am a Christian. I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority; I only know I`m loved.
-Carol Wimmer. Copyright 1988

2004-12-13T10:37:00.000-05:00

longing for this..

2004-12-13T02:48:00.000-05:00

What Am I To You/Norah Jones

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Fast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

2004-12-13T02:23:00.000-05:00

even after all this time.....

2004-12-12T23:47:00.000-05:00

the 3's of this weekend..
3 malls in 2 days (STC,markville,fairview)
drove in all 3 precipitation types (rain,freezing rain,snow)

I HATE DRIVING IN THE WINTER!!!!!!!!!!!

drivin bak to loo...there were times when i could only see the car in front of me,and massive snowflakes hurling towards me.. it was SO scary.and there was snow between the lanes,so whenver i had to change lanes had to do it SOO carefully n slowly or else i'd like skid... mAN. it was soo freaky.never wana do that again...!>.< honestly i was scared for my liFE.
one good thing..i heard this song on the radio..

Collide/Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide

2004-12-12T00:27:00.000-05:00

When I say I`m a Christian,I`m not shoutin "I am saved"
I`m whisperin "I get lost" That`s why I chose this way
When I say I`m a Christian, I don`t speak of this with pride
I`m confessin that I stumble and need someone to be my guide
When I say I`m a Christian, I`m not tryin to be strong
I`m professin that I am weak and pray for strength to carry on
When I say I`m a Christian, I`m not braggin of success
I`m admittin I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt.

2004-12-07T12:51:00.000-05:00

transition

Life is full of transitions: a church moving to a new building or searching for a new pastor, a family moving to a new town or preparing for a new arrival, a graduation, a marriage, or a new job. It's easy to become complacent during the transition. We lose our concentration as we make our way through the changes, and we wait for a time when we think things will be "normal". Instead, we can focus on what God wants to accomplish in us and through us today...
God doesn't want us to live in the future, but He wants us to focus on the present blessings, the present joy, and the present work He wants to do in us.Don't use transition times to slack off in your walk with God. Focus on what God wants to do in you and through you at all times.
(from my devos..)

2004-12-04T19:10:00.000-05:00

read this in my devos yesterday:
As followers of Jesus, we also face issues and obstacles that stand between us and the work, the mission, and destiny to which God has called us. But those barriers are not beyond God's influence and power. God is ready to release His miraculous power in our lives when we are ready to release our pride and be totally committed to Him...we'll discover that our obstacles are really not obstacles at all. They are opportunities to see God reveal Himself in our midst as the Lord of all the earth.

2004-12-04T16:45:00.000-05:00

When I am overwhelmed
Holding pieces of my heart
When I feel my world
Start to fall apart
To the cross I run
Holding high my chains undone
Now I am finally free
Free to be what I've become
Undone

Undone/Mercy Me

2004-12-01T00:57:00.000-05:00

this is it... last full school week of the term..
getting tired.. handed in psych paper today,almost done assignment due tmr,and now working on MT paper due thurs.. might haftu pull my very first allnighter tmr..since i only haf about 3/15 pgs done >.< tell me how to get thru this...

it was a good 'wrap up' as the last prayer meeting of the term (YEAR?!!)tonight..thanks guys :)

not a bad 1st weekend here in loo.. hahah tho i didnt get as much work done as i'd hoped.. which was my own fault but still well spent? :P 4+ hrs of shopping, one whopPING dinner @benny's which i finished, thankyOU, and 'milk and cookies for santa' ice cream with hot chocolate ..MMMM
gotta say tho.. cfc was definitely not the same as scac.. i missed scac..
and my parents are the best* they spoil me rotten i tell ya. i am blessed with awesome parents :) my mom brought & made me so much food..

i jus cANNOT wait until this week is over. no . i mean. i cannot wait until this music therapy paper's finished. it'll b smooth sailing from then. haha hopefully.

this month has passed by so quickly... with all the assignments n papers due..

May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion...

-Psalm 20:1,2,6-8

2004-11-28T23:43:00.000-05:00

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
-Psalm 18:32

2004-11-28T13:25:00.000-05:00

Waiting,suffocating,no direction
I took a dive and
On the way down
I saw You
And You saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way You loved me
On the way down I almost fell right through
But I held on to You...

You're all I wanted, You're all I needed

On The Way Down/Ryan Cabrera

2004-11-25T23:36:00.000-05:00

Searching After You/Evan Earwicker
http://www.dancewithme.org/index2.htm

I have tasted many streams, yet no water quite as sweet
I have felt you calling me, even as deep calls out to deep
I have looked on things unseen,
For the heart of my God, my soul I will bring

I wanna come with you and be led by quiet waters
won't you come, won't you come
You're singing over me
I wanna run with you and drink from the living waters
I will come, I will come
I'm searching after you, you're singing over me

I have heard you speak my name, so in the river I will wait
When can I come before my God
Can I meet with you and know your love

I'll forever bring you pleasure, you will be my great reward
I'll forever bring you pleasure,
there's nothing else that I want more

2004-11-25T23:20:00.000-05:00

so it's official.
TRACY IS HERE IN LOO THIS WEEKEND.
anD the next. :O
u dont wanna miss out on this rare opportunity!:p heheh

2004-11-24T13:21:00.000-05:00

hehehehe
listenin to christmas songs makes me feel so much happier :D that plus the snow outside while drinkin hot chocolate.. can't get ne better than this!:) eyahh im a loser -- but a happy one ! ;p

2004-11-23T01:15:00.000-05:00

on the menu for next week.. no sleep?? woohOO!
n maybe throw in a theory assignment in there somewhere too.

Tues: Psych paper
Wed: Theory macgamut
Thurs: MT paper(ANOTHER 15pg,30% paper) & 6 concert reviews
Fri: macgamut